Vampire Sisters (USA, 2004) 80 min color DIR: Joe Ripple. SCR-PROD: Don Dohler. MUSIC: Mitch Klein, Bjorn Lynne. DOP-EDITOR: Don Dohler. CAST: Darla Albornoz, Leanna Chamish, Mark Lassise, Syn DeVil, Jeannie Michelle Jameson, George Stover. (Timewarp Films)
Vampire Sisters was the biggest hit of Don Dohler and Joe Ripple’s company, Timewarp Films- no surprise, considering the synopsis. Three lovely ladies offer sex acts online at their website, www.vampsisters.com. (I checked it— it’s inactive.) The horny customers who spend the most money get invited over to their lovely suburban Maryland home, and are given a little striptease show before the girls sink their fangs into the clientele. After they’ve had their nourishment, the sisters discard the body to Iggy, an unseen ogre, who is locked in the aluminum Home Depot shed in the backyard. Detectives Sonny Renko (Vin Diesel lookalike Mark Lassise, who’s actually a better actor) and Jennifer Hunt (Leanna Chamish) discover that the missing persons cases they investigate are linked to the website, and they pose as a swinging couple to try to crack down on the vampire sisters.
This is a fast-moving flick- not just for Dohler’s customarily efficient editing, but obviously because it’s also easy on the eyes. Most of the running time is devoted to Dawn (Darla Albornoz), Tasha (Syn DeVil), and Stacey (Jeannie Michelle Jameson) performing various acts in their wood-paneled basement rec room for hapless customers, as to kill running time, up to the inevitable climax when the detectives show down with the vampires. George Stover appears as a voyeur who gets his jollies peeking at the girls performing through the crack in the door. His “oh yeahs” on the soundtrack cut to a pole dance around a wooden pillar provide some comic relief. Director Joe Ripple also makes his token cameo as Mr. Stowell, who likes to watch and join in. (“You ladies are in for the time of your life”, he moans.) The casting of Stover and Ripple as clientele works because they resemble the less-than-leading man types who would need such a website in the first place. As such, there’s about as much plot here as the average Skinemax feature (or so I’m told). And while I’m no authority on such things, it has perhaps the strangest cunnilingus scene in all of cinema.
But this movie does have some clever moments. It is a mild satire of the dotcom era, where anonymous browsing leads to trouble. Perhaps Vampire Sisters can be the third in an informal trilogy where we get another look at what really goes on behind closed doors in suburban Maryland. While this satire, written by Dohler, may not have as much punch as Blood Massacre or Harvesters, it is amusing to see the girls perform kinky acts in the familiar, generic locale of a wood-panelled rec room with the ceiling tiles. There is also an great bit where the girls get a visit from a door-to-door bible group, and of course they are in convulsions at the sight of a crucifix. Curiously, while detective Hunt is a virgin, she owns a slinky leather costume to wear when they are invited to the sisters’ home.
Perhaps in order to give this movie some substance, there is a lot of self-referential humour. Early in the film, one of the girls is reading B-Movie Horrors, John Thonen’s wonderful book on Don Dohler’s first five films. And in one amusing scene, two of the sisters arrive home, discussing the movie they had just seen, where vampires live in the daytime. “Imagine that!”
On paper, there is much witty dialogue, but the humour isn’t always delivered, thanks to the sisters’ vapid acting. It’s obvious that these ladies were hired for things other than their ability to emote. Speaking of which, it’s nice to see Leanna Chamish wear slinkier wardrobe than before, but she still can’t act. In addition to the skimpy plot, the lack of thespian skills also put this on the same level as an average Skinemax feature… or so I’m told.
Originally published in Vol. #1, Issue #22, “Cheap Horror Movies …and Why We Love Them”.
Greg Woods
Greg Woods has been a film enthusiast since his teens, and began his writing "career" at the same time- prolific in capsule reviews of everything he had watched, first on index cards, then those hardcover dollar store black journals, then an old Mac IIsi. He founded The Eclectic Screening Room in 2001, as a portal to share his film love with the world, and find some like-minded enthusiasts along the way. In addition to having worked in the film industry for over two decades, he has been a co-programmer of films at Trash Palace, and a programmer/co-founder of the Toronto Film Noir Syndicate. He has also written for Broken Pencil, CU-Confidential, Micro-Film, and is currently working on his first novel. His secret desire is for someone to interview him for a podcast or a DVD extra.