If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? (1971)

If Footmen Tire You, What Will Horses Do? (USA, 1971) 52 min color DIR-SCR: Ron Ormond, based on the book by Estus Pirkle. PROD: Estus Pirkle, Monnie Stanfield. CAST: Judy Creech, Cecil Scaife, Gene McFall, Wes Saunders. (5 Minutes To Live)

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I was half-tired from reviewing a stack of titles when I put this in the DVD player just to have a preview, and then I received an instant adrenaline rush to watch the whole thing, because this film is just so head-spinningly, stupefyingly, mesmerizingly WRONG. Ron Ormond was a producer of Lash LaRue oaters as well as the infamous zero-budget sci-fi saga Mesa of Lost Women or southern-fried exploitation like Forty Acre Feud. After surviving a near-fatal plane crash, he became a born-again Christian. Thus, the final third of his incredible career was devoted to making films which preached the good word. Now, there’s nothing wrong with that, but the films he made were unbelievable, hilarious pieces of right-wing extremist fear-mongering. 

The framework of this film centres on a church lecture given by Estus Pirkle (on whose book this is based), who warns his loyal flock about what would happen to Christians if the Communist party took over America. We quickly learn that Ormond was still an exploitation filmmaker at heart once he offers lots of gratuitous visual aids to the man’s fire and brimstone sermon. Seldom has a film been so shameless in such amateurish sensationalism, all while masquerading as public service.

These grotesquely caricaturist Commie soldiers force kids to renounce their Christianity and kill their parents. One child who refuses to give himself over to the Communist party gets beheaded (we see a mannequin head get thrown on the ground). One drunken soldier breaks into a house and has his way with the mother of the family (every single interior scene seems like it was shot in the same sweaty wood-panelled rec room). One elaborate scene shows how the Commies brainwash the kids: some Fidel Castro lookalike tells the Christian kids to pray for candy. Naturally, no candy appears. But then, just to show how good the Reds are, a comrade walks in the door with a huge basket of sweets for the little tykes! These and more jaw-dropping moments are peppered with cut-ins of small groups of people falling to the ground pretending to be shot, and endless pans of people lying on the ground covered in stage blood. 

I can only wonder what went through people’s minds while appearing in this junk. Did they think they were helping to spread the good word? Did they just want a free lunch? The mind reels.

As Pirkle continues his sermon about the Red Apocalypse, we are introduced to a young lady named Judy, who is sitting in the pews. Before long, she is in tears, as his words force her to reflect on how she often renounced her mother’s wishes for the girl to read the scriptures. In fact, her mother says it so often in her few moments onscreen, that when the woman has a heart attack, I kept on waiting for a scene in which she’s at death’s door once again reminding the girl to read the bible! We sense too that Judy is a “bad girl” because she wears too much makeup, and has a hippie boyfriend (briefly seen at the beginning). Alas, at the film’s close, she sees the error of her ways, and like everyone else in the congregation, is swayed by the text of Rev. Pirkle. This piece of home movie making is one of the most flabbergasting things I’ve ever seen.

This 5 Minutes To Live disc also comes with the bonus feature of another Ormond Christian Scare-A-Thon, The Grim Reaper (1976), but this one wouldn’t work in my player. Now THAT’s grey market.

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Originally published in Vol. #1, Issue #16. This title is now able to view for free, and in much better shape, at Nicolas Winding Refn’s website byNWR. Pirkle and Ormond would re-team for two more fire and brimstone epics: The Burning Hell (1974) and The Believer’s Heaven (1977).