Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park (USA-TV, 1978) 96 min color DIR: Gordon Hessler. PROD: Terry Morse, Jr. SCR: Jan-Michael Sherman, Don Buday. MUSIC: Hoyt Curtin. DOP: Robert Caramico. CAST: Kiss (Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, Peter Criss), Anthony Zerbe, Deborah Ryan. (Warner Brothers Television Distribution)
As if Kiss themselves aren’t campy enough, clad in their 70s makeup and crazy leather outfits, imagine what would happen if they starred in their own made for TV movie, produced by Hanna Barbera. I find it rather funny that the “Knights in Satan’s Service” teamed up with the kings of family cartoons. I know that members of the Kiss army probably wouldn’t appreciate me calling them campy, but geez folks, they are, just admit it! Anyway, right from the opening credits this wee piece of Rock and Roll Television hits it with members of the band performing in front of a blue screen, then super imposed over all kinds of stock shots of amusement park rides and the like (all the while “I Wanna Rock and Roll All Night” is playing). My fave shot has to be Gene Simmons all Godzilla-like, rocking out looking gigantic beside a roller coaster!
Anyway the flick takes place at an amusement park, where Kiss is going to be playing a concert. All seems like regular frolic and fun in the park….but the park contains a dark secret (ooh big surprise)! Melissa’s boyfriend Sam mysteriously disappears after checking on a computer that runs some of the rides. Attraction designer Abe Devereaux (played by Anthony Zerbe, the fellow who played Dog Boy in Cool Hand Luke) is upset by the unwholesome attitudes of the rockers visiting the park to see Kiss (and isn’t a very big Kiss fan himself either). He needs more R&D money from the park owner, who isn’t willing to pay up! Really, he’s just your typical everyday misunderstood genius (as all great scientists are!). (Oh, and look for the cameo by cult actor Brion James playing a security guard!) Abner’s control room is deep beneath the earth (and looks remarkably similar to the set of Electra Woman and Dyna Girl).
The owner of the amusement park fires Devereaux and that is the last straw! Rock and Rollers invading the park he created and losing your job…man that would send me into a megalomaniacal rampage! What is a mad genius to do, but to try to capture Kiss’ power talismans? Oh, did I mention that Kiss has super powers? Paul Stanley (aka Star Child) has laser vision, Ace Frehley (aka Ace) can fly, shoot lightning and teleport, Peter Criss (aka Catman) has well, catlike powers, and Gene Simmons (aka The Demon) can fly, growl, speak in an f/x laden voice AND breathe fire. So anyway, they get their powers from these talismans, which Devereaux tries to capture using his new robot/human slave Sam (all the while Melissa hunts the park for her missing boyfriend). So here’s Kiss running around the park, trying to find Melissa’s boyfriend being attacked by robot monkey people and kung fu robots and the like, when they are bested by Devereaux’s robots in the House of Thrills, (Frankenstein, the Mummy, Dracula, etc.), and put behind laser bars in Devereaux’s lab. I bet you know what time it is now right? You guessed it- now comes the part where Devereaux reveals his master plan! All great villains practice such silly megalomaniacal behaviour. Anyway it seems that Devereaux has created robot doppelgangers of the band and plans on using them to incite a riot and destroy the park! All the while Kiss takes the blame! SO IT’S UP TO THEM TO SAVE ROCK AND ROLL’S WHOLESOME REPUTATION. Huh? What? I thought Kiss stood for “Knights in Satan’s Service”! Shouldn’t they being stirring shit up? What kind of drugs was the band on when they signed on with Hanna Barbera?
Anyway of course they find a way to escape, fly in and destroy their evil doubles AND then proceed to ROCK OUT! Once more super powered rock and rollers save the day and the integrity of their music (but perhaps not the integrity of their marketing plans). Not only that, they re-unite Melissa with Sam and free him of Devereaux’s control. Thank god. Thank god for Kiss. What great men they are..well really, what great uber-men in possession of cosmic rock and roll powers they are!
Heh, it was bad, but it was fun. It was as if someone at Hanna Barbera unearthed an old Scooby Doo or Josie and the Pussycats script (not much difference there) and simply replaced the characters from the cartoon with Kiss. But you know, if this had been animated, it would have been great. I will say this only once, they may want to make me want to rock and roll all night and party every day, but they CANNOT act. Well Peter Criss can- he actually was a voice actor in the 80s for shows like GI Joe and The Transformers. But the rest of them couldn’t act. Though really neither could the actors. It’s one of those videos you need to see, like The Star Wars Holiday Special: your life won’t be enlightened or enriched, but at least you can count yourself among the few, the proud, those who have seen crap that no one else has, or may want to. And those bragging rights alone among your rock and roll /geek friends will give you cultural clout! OK not really. But I must say this, if I wasn’t stoned, watching this would have been agony. And that’s what a good rock and roll movie should be all about.
Originally presented in Vol. #1, Issue #17, “Rock And Roll Goes To The Movies”. This review was initially paired with Wild Zero for a piece called “Rock And Roll Star As Comic Book Hero”.
Skot Deeming
Skot Deeming is a pop culture commentator and enthusiast, who has written about media and culture in various fields; including film, television, new media art, video games and art toys. His artwork has been exhibited internationally and his writing has appeared in academic, mainstream and independent publications. Currently, he’s living in Montreal, working on his PhD centered on the cultural economies of character licensing, appropriation art, and toy cultures. Find him at: Instagram (@yoyodynetoydivision)